 Review By: Siou Choy |
Developer: | Blue Tongue Entertainment |
| Publisher: | THQ | |
| Genre: | Action | |
| ESRB: | Everyone | |
| # Of Players: | 1 | |
| Online Play: | No | |
| Accessories: | Memory Card | |
| Buy Now: |   |
It’s become something of a Murphy’s law. It seems that for every "family themed" (read: crappy kids’) movie, some dim bulb has licensed, put together and released a companion game to cash in on it. Why do I bring this up now, you ask? Well, here’s the scoop: Nickelodeon, the station that gave you such masterworks of modern high culture as Mary Kate & Ashley and Ed, Edd & Eddy (now available on DVD, if you have any prisoners of war you want to torture) has foisted yet another cinematic classic for the ages upon us – this year’s Academy Award nominee: "Barnyard." And much to our collectively sarcastic and derisive expression of mock surprise, they’ve put out no less than four games, on four different systems (with a fifth one for Wii arriving sometime later this year), drawing from this lofty source.
For the purposes of this particular article, we will limit ourselves to discussion of the GameCube version.
Barnyard starts off with you, the lucky gamer, as a cow. Now if that isn’t enough to (ahem) cow you into submission and (ahem) steer clear of this virtual gaming experience, then you’ve already bought the ranch (ahem), and there’s no point trying to gather the chickens back into the henhouse, now that they’ve gotten loose (double ahem).
OK, if that didn’t stop you, nothing will, so in the immortal words of Dante Aligheri, "abandon all hope, ye who enter here". And in case you missed the reference, in the immortal words of Conrad Lant, "welcome to hell".
Okay. So you’re a cow.
Alright, hold up, again – this is really difficult for me to get through here. Seriously, here’s the premise of the game: you’re a cow. If you can read that sentence without bursting into laughter, than as Keith Relf once sang, "mister, you’re a better (man) than I".
Ahem. OK, trying to regain composure here…
So you’re a cow, and it’s your first day on the farm. Now first, you have to accept that this is a farm made up of oddly anthropomorphic bovine, fowl, porcine and equine denizens. Apparently, when the farmer isn’t around, they walk and talk just like people. Some even ride around on bicycles. And if you buy that one, I have some thorazine to prescribe you, just calm down while the nice men in the white coats put that nice new jacket with the belts and the backwards arms on for you.
So, you’re a cow. And you walk upright, talk, and ride a bicycle. Right. Well, as the new cow, you’ll just have to show all your fellow bike riding, talking farm animal friends that you’ve got what it takes to fit in and become the "Barnyard Champ" as well as the "Number One Party Animal". Seriously, folks, I’m not making any of this up.
Speaking in a wholly relative context, becoming the "Barnyard Champ" makes some sort of internally cohesive sense in that you have to take part in several mini-games and compete in order to get the top score or a star ranking as a prize heifer (ahem). That said, the road to becoming the "Number One Party Animal" is somewhat of a different story.
You get the feeling that the other farm animals are trying to take advantage of you for being the new guy on the farm, don’t you? The Rooster wants you to become his partner in opening up the barn, but you’re the one buying all the furniture and equipment for the barn. And mind you, the only way to become the "Number One Party Animal" is to complete the barn renovations, bringing it up to "100%" snuff. And just to keep things in perspective, for every pool table or lights you buy, you only raise the barn’s percentage by a few points. See, they are out to get you, see? Can’t you see it? I think you’re starting to experience some paranoid delusions at this point, mr. gamer; I think we’ll have to prescribe some electro-shock therapy for you…
Posted: 2006-09-09 11:14:12 PST